This is our second baby. In May, I took a home pregnancy test and was completely dumbfounded when it came back positive. We had not been trying to get pregnant. In fact, I really couldn't tell you why I took that test in the first place. I was terrified. I immediately woke Tory up and thrust the test in his face, speechless. It took him a beat to realize what he was staring at. The next few seconds went a bit like this:
T: Are you serious?
A: I guess so.
T: [silence]... this is AWESOME!
A: [sobs uncontrollably]
Because this was technically an "accident" and I tend to be a bit unorganized, trying to date the pregnancy by ourselves was nearly impossible. By our best guesses (and that is literally what we were doing)... we figured I was maybe 6 weeks pregnant at the time. I had to clue what my next step needed to be. I had been seeing my GP for my annual well visits and had never even seen an ob/gyn. I am not kidding when I tell you I googled ob/gyns in the area and settled on the one with the best reviews. They scheduled me for an appointment 2 weeks later and I went to the grocery store to buy prenatal vitamins, because it seemed like the practical thing to do.
Fast forward 2 weeks to our first prenatal appointment and ultrasound. The baby we thought had been growing away, at that time wasn't quite a baby by medical standards just yet. The sonographer showed us pictures of a little round ball and told us we actually had a gestational sac and that I was more like 5 weeks pregnant. We saw the doctor who reassured us that everything looked normal and that because I wasn't sure about any dates, we probably were just guessing wrong and needed to come back in a few weeks.
From the moment I heard "5 weeks" I knew in my heart that this wasn't good news. I may be unorganized, but I just knew that it wasn't possible. We were sent home with a follow up in 2 weeks. I cried the whole way back to the house and Tory made a valiant effort of comforting me when I was inconsolable. Over the next few weeks he even managed to have me convinced most of the time that everything was going to be just fine. We went back for our appointment and were introduced to the term "missed miscarriage." Our baby hadn't grown or changed in 2 weeks, but my body hadn't yet noticed. Another 2 weeks later, the whole ordeal was over with and I waited for life to return to usual.
Except it didn't. Because the moment you find out that you are pregnant, your entire world changes in an instant. For me, the knee-jerk reaction was terror. It took a few days for the excitement to settle in, but when it did I was over the moon. Suddenly every single decision you make is earth-shattering. I have never been more healthy, cautious, and deliberate in all of my actions as I was that first month that I was pregnant. And then suddenly, I wasn't pregnant anymore and all of those dreams and ideals that we had begun creating were gone instantly. We decided to tell our parents and siblings after our first visit with the doctor, with the notion that even if the news was bad, it would be so much easier to get through with the love of our family. After everything was said and done, we both told a few of our closest friends who I knew we would need to lean on and count on for love and understanding. I can not tell you how much every.single.tiny.gesture from someone who "knew" helped build us up and make us better.
It was hard for me to understand why this had happened to us. We weren't even trying to get pregnant- so why allow that to happen only to take our baby away from us? Tory was patient with me, but he came to the conclusion long before I did that God's plan has a purpose and it doesn't matter if it makes sense to us. I tried everything to make myself feel better. I devoured any and all information that I could about miscarriage, from risks and statistics, to symptoms or causes that I may have missed. I cried all day at work in between clients for weeks. I really can't give Tory enough credit for the love he showed me during this time. I was miserable and he was kind and gentle and patient without faltering a single time. I have never, ever been so confident in our marriage as I was this summer and since. Somehow, though I was still desperate for something tangible that I could hold on to and use to pull myself up and back on my feet. I finally stumbled upon a faith-based book called What Was Lost by Elise Erikson Barrett. This book is personal and painful to read. It helped me to accept that this was maybe going to suck for a really long time and that the thing that I really needed to help me start moving forward was to accept God's grace and let Him hold me in my hurting. I know that so many of our friends and family members lifted us up in prayer during those weeks and it was such an incredible relief to be able to finally find peace in knowing that even if we were suffering now, we were going to be ok.
While it took me a while to accept the grieving process, it didn't take long for us both to realize that what we lost had cracked a huge, wide-open hole in our hearts. And we were ready to fill it right away. So after weeks clinging to each other and the Lord, I found my peace and we went about this business of having a baby with so much joy and excitement in our hearts. I know that we were blessed beyond measure when it pretty much happened for us right away. This time, when the results came back positive, we smiled at each other and hugged. We knew this blessing was a fragile one to be treasured and not taken for granted for a single second. This time around would be smoother, we were at least prepared and I knew where go from there. But to say that this pregnancy has been totally drama-free so far, would be a lie. There have been many weeks of panic between appointments and desperate google searches to reassure myself that everything was "ok." If I am really being honest, there have been many times when I have selfishly felt completely robbed of the innocence and anticipation of what the next 9 (10!) months and the rest of our lives will hold. There is definitely a tinge of worry still with every ultrasound and blood test. But God has kept His hold on us and all 3 of us are growing stronger and more joyous together by the day.
So while I understand that this was a very lengthy, personal blog post (can we talk about my 2 years neglected blog another time?), I felt really strongly about sharing the whole story with anyone who cared enough to read. Miscarriages are common- as many as 20% of pregnancies end in them, often before a woman even knows that she is pregnant. But as common as they are, they are so, so private. As a conversational topic, they are taboo and just not talked about. And that's a shame, because while I know it hurts so badly, it happens. When it happens to you, it can feel like the most isolating and lonely experience of your life, no matter how loving and attentive your partner is. And it can be hard and even feel impossible to get back on your feet and start moving forward again. No one should feel alone in that. You know what else is common? Infertility and fertility struggles. And while I thank my lucky stars that I have not experienced that end of the spectrum, I consider myself a member of the big sucky club of all women who's dreams of motherhood have been tainted or changed in some way. Sadly, this club is a fairly large one but most of us don't even know who's in it with us. "Coming out" about something so private hasn't been hard for me. I have found ways to drop it into casual conversations when people find out that I am now pregnant. I have been blessed to have been able to feel this way so soon after our loss. But I know that it is not the same for everyone. If you have experienced pregnancy loss or infertility, you don't have to feel this same way, but please know that you are not alone and if you ever need a confidant or friend to relate to, I will be your listening ear, I will pray for you, I will let you hurt if you need to hurt and build you up when you're ready. I know that it isn't easy and I don't want you to have to hurt alone.
Love.
