Resolutions.

As I prepare to say toodle-loo to 2009, I find myself partaking in the annual ritual of determining a New Years Resolution. My past resolutions have been pretty standard: lose weight, get healthy, be neater, stop procrastinating. I always do pretty well until about March when all is lost and my resolution is no more. This year I've determined that my resolution should be intrinsically motivating. Success will not be measured in the image I see in the mirror, a number on a scale, or by anything externally and superficially visible. This year I want my resolutions to change me and better me from the inside.

Now, I know this sounds cheesy but bare with me. In keeping with the whole intention of this blog (which I might add has been conveniently neglected from recent posts)... my goal is to continue trying to maintain a positive attitude and always find the beauty in life's daily adventures. Being a busy grad student and living in a hectic, expensive city with nothing but federal loans and your momma's pity (aka monthly groceries-thanks mommy!) to get you by, its easy to become overwhelmed with life's daily struggles. I often find myself getting hung up on the fact that I am stuck in this limbo between the fun carefee days of undergrad and the independence and grown up aspirations that come from being employed. Basically, I= full time grad student + full time employee - income - all the fun aspects of being in college.

Being so busy and not reaping much in the way extrinsic benefits from your hard work (aka dollar bills) makes it easy to lose motivation, get fed up, and not give life the best you've got. Combine this calculation with a tendency towards occasional cynism, stubbornnes, and sarcasm and you're headed straight for disaster.

Alas, I have compiled a short list of Resolutions for 2010 that I hope to help me get through the final stages of grad school, the job searching process, and the transition to actual adulthood and independence WITHOUT losing my mind and losing sight of the simple, pleasurable, fantastic things in life. Without further ado...

1. Read the Bible cover-to-cover
2. Document the occurence of something positive daily (this blog might be just the place for such a task...)
3. Reaffirm and recommit myself to many of the relationships in my life. (I've been known to do a very inadequate job of investing time and energy into relationships when my own life gets hectic. This disappoints me and I'd love to reestablish many of the bonds I've had with friends and loved ones-some that I still see on a regular basis- I love my friends and I want them to know that).
4. Partake in adventures on a regular basis (I've got a bucket-list of sorts that'll do just the trick...)

Anyway- that should suffice for a healthy dose of positivity and cheesiness for one day. I realize that this all sounds a tiny bit rediculous but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to get through the day. I'm gonna give this a shot.

Meanwhile, it wouldn't hurt me to resolve to be a little bit tidier...I'll give that some consideration too.

Hooray for warmth, sunshine, and new running gear!

I've been REINSPIRED! After running my first 1/2 marathon in September I became slightly addicted to the runner's high (ironically, training for the 1/2 was sheer torture and I thought surely I wouldn't survive...). I was hooked on the sense of accomplishment after running distances I had never conquered before. I finished the half respectably at 2:07:46 achieving both of my goals: running the entire race without stopping or walking and averaging under 10 minute miles (I averaged 9:45/mile with my best split at the 10k mark 9:38/mile). I wasn't super fast- but I was consistent and finished it achieving both of my goals.

The gang before the VA Beach Rock N Roll 1/2 Marathon, Tory, Me, Lisa, and Brandon, 9/06/09
After the half I took a break from running- I had doubled a 12 week training program and trained for 6 months... I was burned out and my body was achey and tired. I continued to work out 3-5/wk with cross training and occasional short runs. I recently started running regularly again and I was shocked and appalled at the condition I was in when I resumed. I was struggling to complete 3 mile runs on the treadmills in my building's gym. I was horrified. To my relief, I attempted to run outdoors on a paved trail and found that I had maintained more endurance than the treadmill let on. I'm chalking it up to boredom and lack of scenery.... anyway- winter is now in full swing and I am attempting to rebuild my endurance back to 1/2 marathon condition... but with the weather being frigid and snowy recently I have been forced to run inside or forego running all together when I haven't had access to my gym. I have found myself in a vicious cycle of building my endurance up and then losing interest in the gym and taking time off... I knew that I'd never return to where I was in September at that rate.
BUT- for Christmas this year I got some new gear. Just a few new pairs of shorts and a running watch to time my runs but it has made all of the difference. Plus- I am seriously considering another 1/2- the DC 1/2 marathon in March- to capitalize on this new found motivation and give me something to aspire to. To make things oh so much better- the past few days have been warm (50's haha) with 1 day of rain that effectively melted and washed away all 21 inches of snow we recieved last week. I can't help but feeling that this is nature's way of saying GET OUT AND RUN. So that's what I've been doing. Yesterday I finished 4.3 in 41 minutes and I am about to head out for more (if my ipod would ever charge up!).
ALSO: I've decided on a new goal: I am going to finish the next half if under 2:00:00. Get it giiiiirl.

As they say in Hawaii, "Mele Kalikimaka!"

I was given a most amazing, fabulous, over the top Christmas present this year from the best fella on Earth... In May, the week after I graduate Tory and I are going to HAWAII for a week!! (pause for reaction).

AHHHHH!

I know it is so over the top and I know that I am beyond spoiled but I am sooo unbelievably excited about this trip. This will be our 2nd vacation just the two of us, the first was NYC in 2007, and I can't wait! We had so much fun trapsing around New York and being oh so touristy and I am looking forward to doing the same in Hawaii. Is it May yet?

Tory has always been a good, thoughtful gift-giver (I've been known to be a good hint-dropper as well hehe)... but the past few years have just been outrageous. It all started with that puppy he gave me 2 Christmas's ago and it seems like he tries to top himself ever year. I've told him that he doesn't have to try to top that gift or even match it because, in all fairness... how do you really top a living, breathing, adorable little creature like Lucille? But every year it seems like he tries and it always works out pretty well for me.

Lucy's First Christmas, 2007

On top of the Empire State Building, 2007

I just hope he knows that I don't always need fancy presents like puppies and exotic vacations. I am blessed to have a guy like him who knows me for all of my flaws and quirks and loves me because of them, not in spite of them. I am so fortunate to be loved by a man who deeply loves his family and would do anything for them (i admit- sometimes to my dismay!). He takes care of his mom and sisters and has a wonderful relationship with his father. He motivates me to work hard at everything and makes me want to be a better person. He puts up with a lot of my crap but is man enough to tell me when I am out of line and not let me get away with it. He's got his priorities in line and I've been proud to have him by my side these past 7 (almost!) years. Basically, I love him... I'm so blessed to have him and he means the world to me. I make sure to tell him that often but I hope he knows how true it is. He's fabulous.

Oh so much!

So much to blog about tomorrow-its much too late for any of that right now. I just wanted to post for the sake of posting and include these 2 trailers for uber-cheesy girl movies courtesy of one Nicholas Sparks... i am a tiny bit embarrassed to confess i am beyond excited for these. TA-DA!!!

New Chapter.

Well, I did it. I survived my 12th semester of college/4th semester of grad school and I managed to do so maintaining a decent gpa, my social life, and my sanity (barely). I met with my supervisor for next semester's internship and she seems great. The work load should be reasonable and I can do all of my paperwork from home (NICE!). Plus, if there are cancelled home visits I can do whatever I want during that free time. And Fridays are over by 1:30. She works with a variety of different disorders from language, artic, pragmatics, kids on the spectrum, etc... I think I will get a little bit of everything which will be nice. Did I mention the home visits are all within a 5-10 mile radius of my apartment? Needless to say, I am pretty excited.

Things ended well at The Virginian, Matt gave me lots of good, usable feedback about my performance and how to improve in the future.... he even filled me in on what I might mention as my professional strengths during an interview. It was a good way to wrap things up and while I am sorry that it's over I am glad to be moving on to something different. I am excited to learn about early intervention and flex my creativity muscle a little more than I was able to do in a nursing home.

I guess that's all for now- but first, another healthy dose of Christmas Cheer courtesy of Meet Me in St. Louis.



Someday soon we all will be together, if the fates allow.

To Me You're Perfect

Tomorrow will be my last day at The Virginian. The last day of arriving 5 minutes late but still 15 minutes earlier than my supervisor and stopping by the starbucks coffee pots for a cup of free-but-burned-beyond-recognition coffee. It will be the last morning that I fish my name badge out of Matt's desk drawer and dig my $10 walmart watch out of my messy bag before printing the day's schedule and attempting to logically plan and manage our caseload for the day. The last day of wheeling patients to the speech office and attempting to squeeze them into the tiny space behind the desk. The last 10 hour day of working for free at The Virginian.

When I think back 3 months ago to my first week at The Virginian, working under Matt's supervision, I am amazed at how much I have learned, grown, and changed as a clinician. He pretty much set me loose from the get-go with the philosophy that the best way to learn to swim is to dive right in. And dive I did, with the watchful eyes of my supervisor ensuring that I didn't drown or pull any of my patients under with me. I can remember driving home in tears every day during the first weeks of this rotation, unsure of what to make of Matt's dry, sarcastic personality and frustrated by his tendency to throw me to the wolves- aka patients and their families, with little, if any, warning, preparation, or experience.

These days I drive home from work, exhausted, after taking on the responsibility of managing a caseload and completing 7+ hours of treatment and evaluation...usually with a smile on my face. I've learned a lot about speech pathology these past few months but I've also learned a lot about myself, my abilities, my limitations, and how to work with others. That sarcastic supervisor of mine turned out to be quite a fantastic teacher and mentor and I consider myself very fortunate to have had the opportunity to learn from him. And it turns out- he's right, the best way to learn to swim is to just dive on in (and don't forget to hold your breath and close your eyes)...

It's hard to believe that tomorrow will be the end of my rotation at The Virginian. I am excited to close this chapter of my life and move one step closer to making it out there on my own. I know that my next clinical will bring me wonderful and hopefully life-changing experiences. But a very significant part is just a tiny bit heart broken over saying goodbye to Matt and the rest of the rehab staff. I've learned so much them all and am finding it very hard to wrap my head around the concept that I won't see them everyday.... many of them I'm likely to never see again. It is a sad, strange, and bittersweet feeling and I'm not sure I really want tomorrow to come right now.

On another bittersweet note: one of my favorite clips from one of the sweetest Christmas movies ever. This is possibly the most precious expression of unrequited love I have ever seen. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I'm such a girl.

Love actually 2

"This really brings Christmas close to a person..."

I never thought it was such a bad little tree.
It's not bad at all, really.
Maybe it just needs a little love.

Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.




Feeling all Christmasy...

Update

Update from previous post: I ate dinner and put up my Christmas tree. There are now 3 trees in the living room of the apartment. I feel better.

Please excuse me for a brief cessation in all things positive.

I'm cranky. I am completely beat, exhausted, thoroughly WIPED OUT. Not sleeping for the past 6 years has finally taken its toll on me. I'm bored. with everything. I am not living and I'm not growing anymore. I got too comfortable and now I'm stuck and I'm bored and I'm disappointed in myself. I have let the daily grind steal my joy and I am no longer feeling empowered or impassioned towards much of anything including many of my relationships, hobbies, and worst of all, the career I have spent the past 6 years in school working towards. It hasn't even started yet and I'm already over it. My creativity is in the pits. I can't even write a page-long progress note because my brain can't generate the appropriate words. It's taken me 30 minutes just to write this much.

This isn't like me. It's my favorite time of year and all I can do is obsess over how unhappy I am. My whole intention of writing this blog was to emphasize the positive things in life, especially when things are crappy. But what has happened is pretty evident... I am doing my specialty.... avoidance behavior. I don't want to deal with something, I just ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist. This is not a functional, healthy, or mature way to live.

I need to get my act together.

Just a formality.

If I had the time I would fill this space with so many things. It's getting noisy in my head these days but time is one thing I don't have to spare. In the meantime, I will post just to keep posting and to keep from forgetting my life's mission. And for now my bookbag, notebooks, desk, and bedroom will continue becoming littered with post-it reminders of meaningful material to ponder. Maybe one day.

Til then...

Fulfillment.

This weekend has been one of emotional highs and lows and I am completely and utterly exhausted from it.

One of my 3 college room mates came up to visit from Richmond friday night. I hadn't seen her in almost a year and even then our busy schedules prevented us from seeing eachother very often. Needless to say it was wonderful to see her and surprisingly easy to fall back into our old conversational routine. It is nice to see that there are some things that time and distance just can't change. It was also really nice to spend some time with a person who knows me. I can't really bullshit Katie and even if I tried she'd see right through me. It felt good to have my guard down and people to talk to somebody on a real level, be myself 100% and know that they won't care what comes out of my mouth (because they are able to anticipate it).

We spent the entire night Friday drinking wine, catching up, sharing stories, and reliving hilarious experiences from the last 6 years (oh.my.gosh-has it been that long?). I haven't had a night like that where I felt completely content in a long time. It was great.

Saturday was spent in D.C. at the Holocaust museum. I knew on some level what I was getting myself into when we arrived but I don't think its really possible to fathom how truly devastating and horrendous the whole thing was. The museum exhibit itself was amazing- laid out in 3 levels chronicling the events leading up to mass genocide, the installation of ghettos and concentration camps in Europe, the mass killings, and finally the liberation. I was amazed by the images and video footage that exists documenting the horror of genocide. There were bunks from a concentration camp and you could walk through an actual railcar that deported Jews from the ghettos to the camps. Even though I have seen with my own eyes the evidence of such a horrific piece of history it seems even harder to believe now. I can't seem to wrap my head around how something like that was able to occur over the course of YEARS without interference. And how were so many people so easily led to believe that genocide was the appropriate solution to their nation's problems. I've seen it with my own eyes but its even harder to understand now.

We spent 3 hours in the museum. I left physically and emotional drained. I slept 12 hours that night.

Today was a day of emotional highs! Tory and I spent the day outdoors, hiking in Great Falls National Park. I can't believe that something like that exists so close to D.C. It was amazing to be outside in the crisp autumn air with the buzz of the big city nowhere near you. Nothing but boulders, water, and open sky. We walked, jumped and climbed over rocks, took pictures, held hands, and kissed in the wilderness. It felt free. I left feeling relaxed and content.

The breathtaking Falls Tory and I at outlook #2. Gorgeous.

Now here I am, at home in my slightly disorganized room, pondering my dichotomy of a weekend. When I started this post I had every intention of delving into the depths of this dichotomy and emerging with some type of miraculous conclusion as to how human beings are capable of so much evil in such a beautiful world... but I'm honestly not sure I am capable of even going into that part of my brain right now. Even if I was, I am sure I would emerge more confused than I am now and nowhere near the conclusion or explaination I went in looking for. So I think I will just leave it at that and state simply that I am so grateful that a world possessing individuals who are capable of such evil acts is also capable of creating such natural gifts and beautiful experiences. After a weekend covering just about the entire spectrum of human emotions I am again, thoroughly exhausted; yet content and feeling quite fulfilled.

And my dad is scheduled to come home from Iraq on Christmas Eve as of today... life is good.

Lacking inspiration

Looks like I've let a week pass since my last venture into the cyberword of blogging. I confess, I've lost more than a little of the inspiration that I re-started with. In truth, I am not sure if I should chalk it up to exhaustion, apathy, or writer's block... but regardless, I'm not writing.

Still, on a daily basis I find myself observing and making note of the behaviors of others and I even catch myself saying "wow- the inspiration for today's blog post." But for whatever reason, when I get home it just doesn't get done.

Alas, my writing today is largely a formality to keep myself writing something, to make myself feel better about not writing for a week, and to jot down a few blurbs to serve as reminders of things mentionable in the future- when I have rediscovered my inspiration.

-tiny asian woman lends a helping hand
-learning about the type person you don't want to be
-discovering what's under the surface of life's simplest occurences, learning from them, and making the most of them.
-loving others more than you love yourself and demonstrating that love through actions and behavior.

Never to fear, though- Operation Face Value is still in full swing... everyday I do my best to turn life's lemon's into lemonade and learn something new about myself along the way.

Where's your Buddy Poppy?

Happy Veteran's Day! Today marks a day very important to me and my family, this year it is especially remarkable for us. My Dad is a veteran and is currently in Iraq continuing to serve our country as a civilian DoD employee. Its hard to believe that after more than 20 years in the USARMY my dad is still risking his life and fighting for the American gift of freedom. At the risk of sounding cheesy and cliche- I really feel the need to take this moment as an opportunity to say THANKS DADDY! YOU'RE AN AMERICAN HERO. God bless all of the veterans and active duty military personnel who sacrifice more than anyone could ever imagine to preserve our rights to freedom and liberty.

As an Army brat for the first 18 years of my life, I often feel like I know a thing or two about what military life is like. You pack your things and board a plane every 2 or so years and move to a new house (that looks like every other house in the neighborhood) in a new state only to pack everything up again 2 years later and repeat the process. You know that its best to avoid the commissary on or around payday to save yourself from the old "blue-haired" (term coined by my mother, future blue-hair) officer's wives who seem to think they own the place. You also know that if you don't do your shopping by the Monday following payday the entire joint will be picked over and you'll be going without certain necessities until next time. You know the difference between an officer and an enlisted soldier and you've heard all about the "fraternization" rules among the service men and women but you also know that at the heart of things, you're all alike... whole families making sacrifices in the name of American freedom... and you all take personal ownership of the responisibility of protecting that freedom whether it be from moronic teenage anarchists or overly-powerful politicians. When it comes to American Pride- it's hard to beat a military brat.

Yes, its easy to think that after living the life, after driving your dad to the airport on a regular basis to see him leave the country for 9 months out of the year... only to return to children who are a few inches taller and thik they're a lot smarter... after watching your mother raise 3 small children on her own for extended periods of time while missing your father's companionship more than you or your siblings could ever imagine.... after experiencing the sacrifices that miltary families make at the hand of their parent's career, its quite easy to think you know what it's all about.

I know now that I don't.

It is only now with hindsight and maturity that I realize I haven't got the slightest clue what it is like to serve our country. I don't know the first thing about fighting for freedom and the burden of protecting a nation of largely unknowing and disrespecting civilians. I might know what it is like to miss your daddy and worry for his safety as he defends the country in a foreign land but I know nothing of what it is like to leave your entire family behind and extend faith to the Lord that they will be safe, healthy, and protected while you are away. In truth, I don't know a thing about sacrifice. Its because of my dad and others like him that most of us never will have to.

Back to blogging!

Happy happy Sunday! In taking a break from the impending exam tomorrow morning (Pediatric Dysphagia), I decided to return to the blogosphere to ensure that I don't become a lazy, fickle blogger once more. To be quite honest, I am not sure all of my efforts in studying have been fruitful so far today. It seem's I've got lots bouncing around in this head of mine and while I would love to forget everything and focus all of my efforts on getting through this yucky test tomorrow- I just can't seem to quiet these darn worries. Allow me to explain:


My dad makes his 6, 7, or 8th (I lost count) return to Iraq today. Actually I guess he will return tomorrow. I realize that I am not the only person out there with a loved one overseas in a war zone and while I worry about his safety and well-being, what worries me most is my own personal reaction to his deployment. After seeing him off so many times in the last 6+ years, I am afraid that I am becoming numb to it all. I still worry about him leaving and cry when he gets on the plane- but the general feeling is one of complete and utter numbness... "There he goes again." I am hesitant of sharing his location with people that I don't know very well because their reactions remind me of the danger that still exists over there. I worry about him and I'm sad that he's there.

My dad is not much for talking about about his job... so I am not sure I have quite an accurate grasp of what he does over there. I wonder if maybe he talked more about his experience or his feelings towards being there, I would feel any different. Its along the same lines as the old adage, "Ignorance is bliss." What I don't know can't kill me. I wonder how I'd feel if I did know. Part of me wants to know, but another part of me is so glad I don't.


There are many times that I do breakdown and let the pain of worrying drag me down to depths that I don't often explore. Maybe I am just in survival mode the rest of the time. Its easier to not think about it than to let myself go so I just don't. That might explain why I rarely blink an eye when I do share my father's whereabouts with people I don't call my friends. If I don't appear to be worried- they won't react with worry- and my own fears won't be confirmed.

Maybe I am just over analyzing it all together.

So what's my positive spin on this wing-ding of an entry? I guess I will just say that this expression of my worries is a healthy step in the right direction of handling difficult situations like a mature adult. Maybe if I can come to terms with how I feel about things that I don't understand, I won't have moments of complete breakdown. If I can analyze the situation and my behavior, maybe I will find a healthy way dealing with it. And of course- there's always the fact that there are so many brave souls fighting for and representing freedom all over the world to be thankful for.




Not too shabby.

Operation "Face Value"

Two consecutive days of blogging... hooray for consistency! Some one give me a pat on the back! As promised, I'd like to propose my new project and offer a teensie bit of background info regarding my rationale.

Several weeks ago at my internship, the new employee bioboard was going up. Complete with updated pictures of the rehab staff and "freshened up" bio's about their clinical expertise and professional history, each of the 15 or so rehab and support staff were required to powder their noses (save for the 2 males) and smile pretty for the camera. Of course, there's one in every bunch who prefers the more serious, down-to-business look sans smile or even the slightest twinkle in the eye. After several minutes of negotiating, she was convinced that even the tiniest closed-lipped smirk would make her appear more pleasant to potential patients and their family members that pass through the facility in search of PT, OT, or Speech therapy.

Cut to a few hours later: in the rehab office I overhear a conversation between said smile-less employee and my supervisor. It went something like this:

Grumpy: Do I really look mean or scary all of the time?
Supervisor: What do you mean?
Grumpy: Well, C made me smile for my bioboard picture and said that I would scare the patients off if I didn't at least look happy in my picture.
Supervisor: I guess she just meant that everyone looks better with a smile on their face.
Grumpy: But I don't always feel like smiling. I once had a friend who smiled all the time at everyone and she just looked so......simple to me. And if you ever asked her if she really was that happy she would tell you that she wasn't and was just putting a smile on for everyone else. I don't understand why anyone would pretend to be happy....

The conversation continued but the general gist of the whole thing was that Grumpy believes that always smiling makes people appear simple and vapid. I guess that's why she greets all of her coworkers in the morning with a stiff nod of the head and not the slightest hint of a "Hello" or "Good Morning." We wouldn't want to be mistaken for being an ignorant grinning fool now would we? I personally prefer to smile at people in passing, whether they are a familiar face or not. I find very little more rewarding than seeing my own smile reflected on someone else's face. Working in a SNF, it is often difficult to keep a smile on your face throughout the day as you watch the elderly who are sick and weak continue to decline or struggle to make progress, but I give it my best. I find that the simple gesture of offering a smile to our patients changes their entire aura as they return the gesture. I've been told by many of them that I am a "sweet girl" or a "sweet heart" or a "lovely girl" and for other's their family members have expressed appreciation of the energy and vivacity with which I interact with their loved one.

So Miss Grumpy, forgive me for saying so but I could care less if you consider me vapid or simple because I choose to walk through life's tribulations with a smile on my face. I'd rather you make that misconception than to miss out on the opportunity to brighten just one person's day with a cheerful "hello" as I pass them in the hallways. Off the top of my head I can think of a handful of quotes that describe just how important a smiling face can be for someone's attitude, health, well-being, and even outward appearance. Instead, I offer you just one ingeniously stated by Truvy Jones in the ultimate chick-flick Steel Magnolias:

"Smile, it increases your face value."

And so operation "Face Value" has commenced. Truvy's quote in Steel Magnolias holds so much truth. Obviously a sincere smile brightens even the grumpiest of faces. But the ability to smile at another human being offers its own intrinsic rewards. The power to improve someone's day with such a simple gesture no doubt has the effect of making the Smiler feel like a valued and significant individual, not to mention the gratitude the the Smilee likely feels towards your kind heartfelt gesture.

So.... I hereby propose that we all choose to risk the possibility of being MISTAKEN for simple for the opportunity to increase our own face value through a smile.

Until next time, CHEESE!

Back on track

It's been quite a while since my first failed attempt at maintaining a blog. I think my major problem was a lack of inspiration. I was doing lots of big, seemingly important, life-changing things back in April and I felt the need to document them in cyber space for nobody to read! :) 7 months later, I can sum it all up in just a few words: summer speech-language camp, finished my first 13.1, began and completed 1/2 of my first off campus SLP internship, and survived up to midterms in my last semester of graduate coursework. Its shocking to consider how busy I have felt in the last several months and how little I actually accomplished when I type it out.

So to remedy my fickle blogging tendencies I have decided to give akhud's blog a minor overhaul. I've gone from my previously minimalist red, black, and white layout to something a teensie more upbeat but still my simple style. In reading my (2) previous posts, I discovered that I was attempting to write to relieve some sense of stress or to sort through my busy life. I was seeking to reorganize and compartmentalize my thoughts and daunting to-do lists but the actual effect only served to document how truly overwhelmed and distressed I was about life in general. Its no surprise I had no readers.

Alas, to make the transformation of my blog from minimalist woe-is-me to smart and practical-but upbeat and cheerful complete: I have decided to give it a theme of sorts. I now present to you, random reader the notion to focus each post on the general theme of being RESILIENT. As the author of this blog I hereby vow to follow one rule and one rule only: Regardless of the content of any post I will always conclude with something positive and seek the potential to grow as an individual, learn more about myself, and make myself and the world just a little bit better.

All for now. Operation "Face Value" begins when my alarm goes off at 6:30 tomorrow morning. More details on the origins of the name of my new project tomorrow....

april 22, 2009

Nothing like a warm, buttery grilled cheese for breakfast. Nutritious. I have to get myself to the grocery store this week, if ever there were time...

This week's been wild and its only Wednesday...
Monday: class, therapy, class, OT tours of the clinic, 5 mi run, 2 AR client reports due Tuesday
Tuesday: class, class (presentation, report submission), 3 mi run, class (quiz), lesson planning, 2 MSD projects due Thursday

Prospective hump day through friday shenanigans:
Wednesday: therapy, SOAP note writing, research, research meeting, 3.5 mi run, continue to work on 2 MSD projects due tomorrow.
Thursday: class (quiz), [2 HOUR BREAK- probably will continue working on MSD], therapy, SOAP note writing, NEW GREY'S.
Friday: clean house, clean dog, clean self.

Tory might come down for the weekend. Yay!

I am in quite a pickle for my external practicum in the fall. I pursued a position at a skilled nursing/rehab facility in NOVA and so far everything has worked out. They accepted my resume, asked me to come in for an informal interview and tour, and began working to schedule me starting in September. Then came the tiniest hiccup in the all-too-perfect plan. I was asked to begin mid-September and wrap things up by Thanksgiving. That will give me about 2 months of experience. Not good. Not to mention the fact that I need to meet ASHA's requirements for certification: 20 hours adult speech therapy, 20 hours adult language therapy, 20 hours adult speech evaluation, and 20 hours adult language evaluation. As of right now, I've got about 10-15 hours of adult language therapy and 5 hours of adult speech therapy.... so I probably need another 60 hours of client contact in the appropriate disorder area to meet my adult requirements.

So needless to say, I was forced to inquire as to the nature and amount of client contact hours the supervisor could forsee during my 2 month stint. We've been corresponding via e-mail and I tried my best to make my inquiry as respectful and professional as possible. I just wonder how possible it is to write an e-mail like that and convey complete professionalism rather than winey panic relying only on 10-point arial font and very cautious word choices. I sent the e-mail last night and am still awaiting a reply. I'm worried.

Actually, just working those 8 weeks would really be fantastic if I could get the hours I need for certification. That schedule would give me 4 weeks off where I could potentially work at Tory's or just relax and catch up on some quality time with my family. It would be pretty ideal if I was able to get the hours I need. That's a pretty substantial if. Oh well, I will quit wining, panicing, and generally beeng a perfectionist worry-wart.

Time to get started on the ever-increasing to-do list. Happy Hump Day. Happy Earth Day.

april 17, 2009

In spending quite a bit of time alone recently I have found myself becoming very introspective. That, and confiding in my dog on a more eerily regular basis. Some things I have learned about myself this semester:

I find it very difficult to be a spectator in any given situation. I can't keep my mouth shut and it is nearly impossible for me to mind my own business. For some reason, I feel as though everyone should want to hear what I've got to say and if they don't, odds are they're going to hear it anyway.

I thought I was type-A until I started grad school. I realize now that I am no where near as type-A as I once thought. What I have learned is that I am a perfectionist in a sense that is quite different than being Type-A. I somehow have gotten to a point of believing that anything less than the best is failure. I've got a double standard, though because, that same rule does not apply to my friends and peers. I admire them for their efforts and hard work, even when things don't go the way that they intended. I do not know where this insecurity came from or when I started thinking this way. I worry about how I will feel after finals this semester when I haven't gotten a 4.0 this semester. I got an 87 on a midterm and I worry that I won't get an A in that class.

I fear I have very little faith. This is something I am really trying to work on. When things don't go my way or even when there is just a minor hiccup in my perfectly constructed plan, I feel a sense of impended doom and despair. I spend far too much time worrying that things are going to go wrong or not according to plan to realize that often, these little surprises make life all the more interesting and worthwhile. I have always been a believer, I have always had faith in the Lord and in His presence in my life, but recently I have found myself worrying too much about things beyond my immediate control. The pastor at the church I have started attending at home spends a lot of time preaching about surrendering your fears to God and putting your problems in His hands and having faith that He will take care of things. Praying for God's work in your life is worthless if you don't fully surrender fears to Him. To continue worrying is to lack faith that God will lift you up and get you through life's tribulations. I worry too much, but I pray that God will help me to surrender my problems to Him fully and to be at peace with myself.


I think that should suffice as a healthy dose of introspection. Too much more and I will probably be up all night thinking about it. That's all for now.