The Steel Wheels

Today's joy is definitely obsessing over a band I discovered last fall and have been busy revisiting and rediscovering during my light-EI-catch-up-on-paperwork Tuesday.

The Steel Wheels are an Americana Folk band from the Shenandoah Valley, a place I called home for 5 years of college and grad school. Two of their members are actually residents of good ole Harrisonburg, VA. Something about their music and lyrics resonates with me and just makes me feel sooo so good. It's too bad that our society is far too Gaga and Glee obsessed to recognize and appreciate this kind of music with roots that are woven into the threads of southern culture.

Discovering, or rediscovering as the case may be, gems like The Steel Wheels has a way of reminding me of the little treasures that still exist in this world beneath the surface of all things shiny, plasticy, and temporary. To be honest though, maybe they are best kept safe under the protection of the synthetic and synthesized stylings of our favorite meat-donning pop stars and potty-mouthed rappers. It's kind of a nice feeling- like I am on to something that the rest of the world isn't quite privy to just yet.

I want to hold you like its winter

I want to warm you like its spring

And I want to kiss you like a stranger

Til the autumn comes again

So kiss me so sweetly

I'll kiss you so strong

I've got two hands to hold you,

Two feet to carry on.

Listen: http://www.thesteelwheels.com/records/

The Secret Of: Joy

Joy is something I have not taken the time to experience much of recently (refer to previous post for details re: the pity party I have been throwing myself recently). Truth be told, somehow joy has become something I have found myself struggling to feel in its purest form for the last few years. It's not to say that I haven't wanted to revel in the joyful, simple, wonderful things in life. Somewhere along the way things seem to have become "too complicated" and the joy was clouded by many things that aren't even worth mentioning anymore. They are things far less important and far less gratifying than the joy I was missing out on.

Of course, I have experienced so much happiness in recent years. I have spent my days with good friends and loved ones and accomplished many goals I set for myself. I have a handful of wonderful women and men in my life that I call my friends. I have been loved by and been a part of 2 wonderful, supporting, giving families. I have been given the opportunity to commit myself eternally to the person that I have loved since I was 16 years old. There have been so many good days and good experiences that have made me happy.

But I have not always made me happy. In my most introspective days lately, it has occured to me that for as long as I can remember, I have relied too heavily upon extrinsic rewards of this world to make me happy: a new pair of shoes, a salary, an A on a final exam. I have determined my self- worth based upon these things and the approval and opinions of others. It has often even seemed that it is the people who matter least that have the most power to influence my feelings of affirmation. I have become too worried about the way I am percieved in the eyes of others to realize that everything about me is predetermined, I was created this way for a reason and a purpose. My life has a mission that no one on this earth has the power to determine or change. It is my own responsibility and only I have the power to open my eyes, heart, and spirit to the opportunities laid out before me and do the very best to tackle the tasks given, taking full advantage of my own skills and abilities, and praying and having faith that the Lord will offer me the resolve and determination to execute my life the way He has determined.

I have always had trouble fully surrendering my worries, fears, and insecurities. As a result, I have allowed them to take over my life and, at times, steal the joy that exists in living just the way I was intended to. I have made the resolution many times in my life to take opportunities to acknowledge the positive things in the world around me. These efforts have usually been flighty- lasting a few months before life gets complicated and just gets in the way. But there are simple joys in living every day, even the hard days, the bad days, the sick days, and the rainy days. Do the happiest, most fulfilled individuals acknowledge and revel in these joys everyday? Is that the secret?

Today joy is the change of the seasons, a snoring puppy on the floor next to me, a refrigerator full of good food and Spaten Oktoberfest, planning weekend get-a-ways, and a light enough caseload to allow for a healthy dose of introspection.

A Month and Many Things

It's been a while since my last sincere post. It's not to say I haven't tried- many a post has been drafted but found unsuitable for posting to the general public.

To say many things have changed recently would be the understatement of the century. Now that things are settling down a little- I am noticing my once-resilient, easy-going self is having remarkable trouble bouncing back. When friends ask me how I am doing my mind instantly jumps to "oh you know, getting by..." When this is the response I provide they offer the following, logical inquiry, "What's going on? Are you ok?" Again- my brain reaches for the knee-jerk response I keep on a shelf for ease-of access and I want to say "Well you know- the ailing family members, a new job, a new apartment, lots of big transitions- most of which were unplanned and unexpected...."

I am not sure when it occured to me but... these things are no longer valid excuses for why I am in this funky rut I can't seem to dig myself out of. Tory's Dad is working on his recovery- he is home and getting better everyday. If he can have a positive outlook on things, why can't I? My new job is really not-so-new anymore and to be quite honest I have managed to get myself in a productive, efficient routine that I am able to stick to (most days), I like my job a lot and I really can't explain why this comes to mind as a possible life-stressor these days. Oh... and the new apartment has been unpacked and lived-in since the end of July.

So what's my problem? How did I end up living this self-fulfilling prophesy where the events of LITERALLY 3-5 months ago are still wearing on me and significantly impacting my daily life? How have I managed to victimize myself for this long without noticing it until now? How annoying have I been to people who have dared ask how I have been doing in recent months. I really really hope that I am not that girl... you know the one I mean.

So it's time to reclaim control over my own life in a positive way. I am going to start by fully investing myself in my running/fitness/nutrition routine. I am running in the Army 10 miler in 18 days (thats 2.5 weeks) and have half-heartedly been training so far. I have been doing some of the weekday workouts, when I have the time and energy and managing to somehow finish the long weekend runs, abliet painfully and significantly slower than I am willing to openly admit.

But truth be told- most days, I feel my best when I am running. Even when I am running with Tory- it's just ME and THE ROAD. There is no question, no doubt when my legs are pumping and my heart is starting to pound in my chest that I am moving forward, getting somewhere. The burning in my lungs is a painfully beautiful reminder that I am breathing and full of life and capable of feeling hurt and exhaustion and determination to keep on keeping on. My mind's ability to overcome my body's limitations are demonstrations that with spirit, confidence, faith, and determination anything can be accomplished. There is a clear and concrete goal laid out before me- and the person I risk disappointing the most is myself. Nothing is more freeing than knowing you are accountable to you and only you. The single risk of disappointing myself and failing to live up to my own expectations, means I've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Every run makes me stronger, faster, and more capable of going even further next time. Running gives me stamina and endurance for the long-hauls. And nothing is more affirmng than a solid finish. My body's transformations are physical proofs of the effects of hard work, determination, resolve and these extrinsic transformations mirror the intrinsic ones I am seeking. Running is exactly what I need right now. When I am running I feel like I am moving in the right direction.