Fulfillment.

This weekend has been one of emotional highs and lows and I am completely and utterly exhausted from it.

One of my 3 college room mates came up to visit from Richmond friday night. I hadn't seen her in almost a year and even then our busy schedules prevented us from seeing eachother very often. Needless to say it was wonderful to see her and surprisingly easy to fall back into our old conversational routine. It is nice to see that there are some things that time and distance just can't change. It was also really nice to spend some time with a person who knows me. I can't really bullshit Katie and even if I tried she'd see right through me. It felt good to have my guard down and people to talk to somebody on a real level, be myself 100% and know that they won't care what comes out of my mouth (because they are able to anticipate it).

We spent the entire night Friday drinking wine, catching up, sharing stories, and reliving hilarious experiences from the last 6 years (oh.my.gosh-has it been that long?). I haven't had a night like that where I felt completely content in a long time. It was great.

Saturday was spent in D.C. at the Holocaust museum. I knew on some level what I was getting myself into when we arrived but I don't think its really possible to fathom how truly devastating and horrendous the whole thing was. The museum exhibit itself was amazing- laid out in 3 levels chronicling the events leading up to mass genocide, the installation of ghettos and concentration camps in Europe, the mass killings, and finally the liberation. I was amazed by the images and video footage that exists documenting the horror of genocide. There were bunks from a concentration camp and you could walk through an actual railcar that deported Jews from the ghettos to the camps. Even though I have seen with my own eyes the evidence of such a horrific piece of history it seems even harder to believe now. I can't seem to wrap my head around how something like that was able to occur over the course of YEARS without interference. And how were so many people so easily led to believe that genocide was the appropriate solution to their nation's problems. I've seen it with my own eyes but its even harder to understand now.

We spent 3 hours in the museum. I left physically and emotional drained. I slept 12 hours that night.

Today was a day of emotional highs! Tory and I spent the day outdoors, hiking in Great Falls National Park. I can't believe that something like that exists so close to D.C. It was amazing to be outside in the crisp autumn air with the buzz of the big city nowhere near you. Nothing but boulders, water, and open sky. We walked, jumped and climbed over rocks, took pictures, held hands, and kissed in the wilderness. It felt free. I left feeling relaxed and content.

The breathtaking Falls Tory and I at outlook #2. Gorgeous.

Now here I am, at home in my slightly disorganized room, pondering my dichotomy of a weekend. When I started this post I had every intention of delving into the depths of this dichotomy and emerging with some type of miraculous conclusion as to how human beings are capable of so much evil in such a beautiful world... but I'm honestly not sure I am capable of even going into that part of my brain right now. Even if I was, I am sure I would emerge more confused than I am now and nowhere near the conclusion or explaination I went in looking for. So I think I will just leave it at that and state simply that I am so grateful that a world possessing individuals who are capable of such evil acts is also capable of creating such natural gifts and beautiful experiences. After a weekend covering just about the entire spectrum of human emotions I am again, thoroughly exhausted; yet content and feeling quite fulfilled.

And my dad is scheduled to come home from Iraq on Christmas Eve as of today... life is good.

Lacking inspiration

Looks like I've let a week pass since my last venture into the cyberword of blogging. I confess, I've lost more than a little of the inspiration that I re-started with. In truth, I am not sure if I should chalk it up to exhaustion, apathy, or writer's block... but regardless, I'm not writing.

Still, on a daily basis I find myself observing and making note of the behaviors of others and I even catch myself saying "wow- the inspiration for today's blog post." But for whatever reason, when I get home it just doesn't get done.

Alas, my writing today is largely a formality to keep myself writing something, to make myself feel better about not writing for a week, and to jot down a few blurbs to serve as reminders of things mentionable in the future- when I have rediscovered my inspiration.

-tiny asian woman lends a helping hand
-learning about the type person you don't want to be
-discovering what's under the surface of life's simplest occurences, learning from them, and making the most of them.
-loving others more than you love yourself and demonstrating that love through actions and behavior.

Never to fear, though- Operation Face Value is still in full swing... everyday I do my best to turn life's lemon's into lemonade and learn something new about myself along the way.

Where's your Buddy Poppy?

Happy Veteran's Day! Today marks a day very important to me and my family, this year it is especially remarkable for us. My Dad is a veteran and is currently in Iraq continuing to serve our country as a civilian DoD employee. Its hard to believe that after more than 20 years in the USARMY my dad is still risking his life and fighting for the American gift of freedom. At the risk of sounding cheesy and cliche- I really feel the need to take this moment as an opportunity to say THANKS DADDY! YOU'RE AN AMERICAN HERO. God bless all of the veterans and active duty military personnel who sacrifice more than anyone could ever imagine to preserve our rights to freedom and liberty.

As an Army brat for the first 18 years of my life, I often feel like I know a thing or two about what military life is like. You pack your things and board a plane every 2 or so years and move to a new house (that looks like every other house in the neighborhood) in a new state only to pack everything up again 2 years later and repeat the process. You know that its best to avoid the commissary on or around payday to save yourself from the old "blue-haired" (term coined by my mother, future blue-hair) officer's wives who seem to think they own the place. You also know that if you don't do your shopping by the Monday following payday the entire joint will be picked over and you'll be going without certain necessities until next time. You know the difference between an officer and an enlisted soldier and you've heard all about the "fraternization" rules among the service men and women but you also know that at the heart of things, you're all alike... whole families making sacrifices in the name of American freedom... and you all take personal ownership of the responisibility of protecting that freedom whether it be from moronic teenage anarchists or overly-powerful politicians. When it comes to American Pride- it's hard to beat a military brat.

Yes, its easy to think that after living the life, after driving your dad to the airport on a regular basis to see him leave the country for 9 months out of the year... only to return to children who are a few inches taller and thik they're a lot smarter... after watching your mother raise 3 small children on her own for extended periods of time while missing your father's companionship more than you or your siblings could ever imagine.... after experiencing the sacrifices that miltary families make at the hand of their parent's career, its quite easy to think you know what it's all about.

I know now that I don't.

It is only now with hindsight and maturity that I realize I haven't got the slightest clue what it is like to serve our country. I don't know the first thing about fighting for freedom and the burden of protecting a nation of largely unknowing and disrespecting civilians. I might know what it is like to miss your daddy and worry for his safety as he defends the country in a foreign land but I know nothing of what it is like to leave your entire family behind and extend faith to the Lord that they will be safe, healthy, and protected while you are away. In truth, I don't know a thing about sacrifice. Its because of my dad and others like him that most of us never will have to.

Back to blogging!

Happy happy Sunday! In taking a break from the impending exam tomorrow morning (Pediatric Dysphagia), I decided to return to the blogosphere to ensure that I don't become a lazy, fickle blogger once more. To be quite honest, I am not sure all of my efforts in studying have been fruitful so far today. It seem's I've got lots bouncing around in this head of mine and while I would love to forget everything and focus all of my efforts on getting through this yucky test tomorrow- I just can't seem to quiet these darn worries. Allow me to explain:


My dad makes his 6, 7, or 8th (I lost count) return to Iraq today. Actually I guess he will return tomorrow. I realize that I am not the only person out there with a loved one overseas in a war zone and while I worry about his safety and well-being, what worries me most is my own personal reaction to his deployment. After seeing him off so many times in the last 6+ years, I am afraid that I am becoming numb to it all. I still worry about him leaving and cry when he gets on the plane- but the general feeling is one of complete and utter numbness... "There he goes again." I am hesitant of sharing his location with people that I don't know very well because their reactions remind me of the danger that still exists over there. I worry about him and I'm sad that he's there.

My dad is not much for talking about about his job... so I am not sure I have quite an accurate grasp of what he does over there. I wonder if maybe he talked more about his experience or his feelings towards being there, I would feel any different. Its along the same lines as the old adage, "Ignorance is bliss." What I don't know can't kill me. I wonder how I'd feel if I did know. Part of me wants to know, but another part of me is so glad I don't.


There are many times that I do breakdown and let the pain of worrying drag me down to depths that I don't often explore. Maybe I am just in survival mode the rest of the time. Its easier to not think about it than to let myself go so I just don't. That might explain why I rarely blink an eye when I do share my father's whereabouts with people I don't call my friends. If I don't appear to be worried- they won't react with worry- and my own fears won't be confirmed.

Maybe I am just over analyzing it all together.

So what's my positive spin on this wing-ding of an entry? I guess I will just say that this expression of my worries is a healthy step in the right direction of handling difficult situations like a mature adult. Maybe if I can come to terms with how I feel about things that I don't understand, I won't have moments of complete breakdown. If I can analyze the situation and my behavior, maybe I will find a healthy way dealing with it. And of course- there's always the fact that there are so many brave souls fighting for and representing freedom all over the world to be thankful for.




Not too shabby.

Operation "Face Value"

Two consecutive days of blogging... hooray for consistency! Some one give me a pat on the back! As promised, I'd like to propose my new project and offer a teensie bit of background info regarding my rationale.

Several weeks ago at my internship, the new employee bioboard was going up. Complete with updated pictures of the rehab staff and "freshened up" bio's about their clinical expertise and professional history, each of the 15 or so rehab and support staff were required to powder their noses (save for the 2 males) and smile pretty for the camera. Of course, there's one in every bunch who prefers the more serious, down-to-business look sans smile or even the slightest twinkle in the eye. After several minutes of negotiating, she was convinced that even the tiniest closed-lipped smirk would make her appear more pleasant to potential patients and their family members that pass through the facility in search of PT, OT, or Speech therapy.

Cut to a few hours later: in the rehab office I overhear a conversation between said smile-less employee and my supervisor. It went something like this:

Grumpy: Do I really look mean or scary all of the time?
Supervisor: What do you mean?
Grumpy: Well, C made me smile for my bioboard picture and said that I would scare the patients off if I didn't at least look happy in my picture.
Supervisor: I guess she just meant that everyone looks better with a smile on their face.
Grumpy: But I don't always feel like smiling. I once had a friend who smiled all the time at everyone and she just looked so......simple to me. And if you ever asked her if she really was that happy she would tell you that she wasn't and was just putting a smile on for everyone else. I don't understand why anyone would pretend to be happy....

The conversation continued but the general gist of the whole thing was that Grumpy believes that always smiling makes people appear simple and vapid. I guess that's why she greets all of her coworkers in the morning with a stiff nod of the head and not the slightest hint of a "Hello" or "Good Morning." We wouldn't want to be mistaken for being an ignorant grinning fool now would we? I personally prefer to smile at people in passing, whether they are a familiar face or not. I find very little more rewarding than seeing my own smile reflected on someone else's face. Working in a SNF, it is often difficult to keep a smile on your face throughout the day as you watch the elderly who are sick and weak continue to decline or struggle to make progress, but I give it my best. I find that the simple gesture of offering a smile to our patients changes their entire aura as they return the gesture. I've been told by many of them that I am a "sweet girl" or a "sweet heart" or a "lovely girl" and for other's their family members have expressed appreciation of the energy and vivacity with which I interact with their loved one.

So Miss Grumpy, forgive me for saying so but I could care less if you consider me vapid or simple because I choose to walk through life's tribulations with a smile on my face. I'd rather you make that misconception than to miss out on the opportunity to brighten just one person's day with a cheerful "hello" as I pass them in the hallways. Off the top of my head I can think of a handful of quotes that describe just how important a smiling face can be for someone's attitude, health, well-being, and even outward appearance. Instead, I offer you just one ingeniously stated by Truvy Jones in the ultimate chick-flick Steel Magnolias:

"Smile, it increases your face value."

And so operation "Face Value" has commenced. Truvy's quote in Steel Magnolias holds so much truth. Obviously a sincere smile brightens even the grumpiest of faces. But the ability to smile at another human being offers its own intrinsic rewards. The power to improve someone's day with such a simple gesture no doubt has the effect of making the Smiler feel like a valued and significant individual, not to mention the gratitude the the Smilee likely feels towards your kind heartfelt gesture.

So.... I hereby propose that we all choose to risk the possibility of being MISTAKEN for simple for the opportunity to increase our own face value through a smile.

Until next time, CHEESE!

Back on track

It's been quite a while since my first failed attempt at maintaining a blog. I think my major problem was a lack of inspiration. I was doing lots of big, seemingly important, life-changing things back in April and I felt the need to document them in cyber space for nobody to read! :) 7 months later, I can sum it all up in just a few words: summer speech-language camp, finished my first 13.1, began and completed 1/2 of my first off campus SLP internship, and survived up to midterms in my last semester of graduate coursework. Its shocking to consider how busy I have felt in the last several months and how little I actually accomplished when I type it out.

So to remedy my fickle blogging tendencies I have decided to give akhud's blog a minor overhaul. I've gone from my previously minimalist red, black, and white layout to something a teensie more upbeat but still my simple style. In reading my (2) previous posts, I discovered that I was attempting to write to relieve some sense of stress or to sort through my busy life. I was seeking to reorganize and compartmentalize my thoughts and daunting to-do lists but the actual effect only served to document how truly overwhelmed and distressed I was about life in general. Its no surprise I had no readers.

Alas, to make the transformation of my blog from minimalist woe-is-me to smart and practical-but upbeat and cheerful complete: I have decided to give it a theme of sorts. I now present to you, random reader the notion to focus each post on the general theme of being RESILIENT. As the author of this blog I hereby vow to follow one rule and one rule only: Regardless of the content of any post I will always conclude with something positive and seek the potential to grow as an individual, learn more about myself, and make myself and the world just a little bit better.

All for now. Operation "Face Value" begins when my alarm goes off at 6:30 tomorrow morning. More details on the origins of the name of my new project tomorrow....