2 weekends ago, T and I decided to hit National's Stadium to see them play the Phillies. After babysitting his sisters the night before while his parents went to the game (which was rain delayed and ended somewhere around 1 am), we thought we owed it to ourselves to enjoy 9 innings of America's favorite past time, Ben's Chili Bowl, and a coupla brewskis.
Much to our dismay the Saturday night game was SOLD OUT. As far as I know, this is unheard of. The Nationals are my jam and all, but seriously... it is pretty much guaranteed that you can buy your $10 ticket, sneak into the 130's, and enjoy the game like a stow-away all without the blink of an eye.
Surely this is some kind of mistake we thought. So we called the box office.
Hi, um.. I think you guys might be having technical difficulties with ticket sales on your website. Yes, uh, well the only tickets that are being offered to me are $350.00 a person and there aren't even 2 seats together. Oh, it's not a mistake? The game is sold out?! CLICK.
So we did what any sane couple would do and hit stubhub, hoping to nab some last minute tickets. The first thing I learned from this phun experience is that last minute planning and "nabbing" is expensive. We ended up RIDICULOUSLY overpaying for the tickets. Alas, Tory is a Phillies Phan.
2 hours later we are enroute to metro and I am really starting to look forward to a hot dog and some chili cheese fries. It takes us about 5 seconds of standing in the underground station to realize that catching a train any time in the next hour is hopeless-something about track maintenance. Back up to the street we go to catch a cab. As we are walking up the escalator I am looking around and noticing lots of Big White "P's" blazing on the chests of men, women, and children alike. By the time we got to the top, I was starting to fear we'd be entering uncharted territory.
SKIP the ridiculously traffic-acious cab ride and fast forward to walking through the stadium to find our seats (which turned out to be pretty good, but absolutely not worth the cash). Everywhere I look the P's are glaring at me. I am wearing red, but my t-shirt says "WASHINGTON" in fancy script across the chest. These P's are really starting to intimidate me as I realize how outnumbered I am in my own city.
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| Our seats, and the star of our section, Jason Werth. |
Now, I've heard some things about Philly Phans. I have heard the rumors that they are obnoxious, guido-esque, foul-mouthed, and usually intoxicated. They have no fear and say precisely what they choose in their most eloquent manner. I'd heard all these things, but considering that the most annoying fans I have really had exposure to are usually those routing for Pittsburgh (any sport, really), I figured I could handle a couple of obnoxious Philadelphians.
WRONG. Lesson numbers 2 and 3. A "couple" might actually turn out to be thousands and the worst of them are sure to be sitting in the 2 rows behind you (something related to Murphy's law I am sure).
Long story short, we endured hours of bantering and-LUCKY US- sitting right behind right field, we got to hear poor Jason Werth get harassed all-phreakin-night. "JA-SON WERTH-LESS" when he runs on to the field, "JA-SON WERTH-LESS when he runs off the field" "JA-SON WERTH-LESS when he's up to bat." "JA-SON WERTH-LESS" when he catches a fly ball. "JA-SON WERTH-LESS" when the ball is hit to short stop?! (True story).
Seriously. What did JA-SON ever do to you? Make millions? Ask to be traded so he would only have to encounter such heathens a few times a year when his team plays yours. By the 4th inning every time I heard "JA-SON WERTH-LESS" I screamed in my head "YOU-ARE STU-PID." Mature, I know.
So you would think that the arrival of the entire US Navy into our section right beside and in front of us would elicit some reverence and adult-like behavior, right? At least for the 30 seconds that God Bless The USA blared from the speakers..., nah! This seemed to be the perfect opportunity for them to drink more "Americans" (yes, they were still selling the red, white, and blue cans from 4th of July) and even buy a few for the troops, who were in uniform and repeatedly and politely turned them down. And don't get my started on the girls. If I were a hammered, single, girl from Philadelphia trying to catch the eye of a handsome sailor, the last thing I would be doing would be screaming obscenities to Jason Werth at the top of my lungs. Although, I will give them credit, they were drawing lots of attention to themselves.
Alas, the by the 7th inning the inevitable happened. In a fit of glory and phanatical pride, the drunk snooki-double behind me lept to her feet with joy at....something..... and her entire 22 ounces of America went dripping down my back. Rage. The men beside me looked at me in horror. Their jaws in their laps, eyes wide, wondering what would happen next. I am pretty sure steam was shooting from my ears, my hands were certainly balled into fists. And just when I was gathering myself to drop kick her back to the city of brotherly love..
From somewhere in the back our section, it began.... E-A-G-L-E-S EAGGGLLLLSSSS! And it spread. And it didn't stop. For the rest of the game.
Dear Phillies Phans,
This is an open letter. I do not understand you. I am perplexed by the fact that you are a city in Pennsylvania because you'd seem to fit in better in New Jersey. You are out of control. You harass athletes who used to play for your team for no real reason. I am sure all of your ridicule has them crying all the way to the bank, I don't know why you waste your breath and sacrifice your dignity. Do you have class? Who raised you? Listen, I appreciate a good American Beer just as much as the next gal, but the ones you buy at any sporting event are way way wayyyy too expensive to casually throw onto the people sitting in front of you. You just wasted, like, 8 bucks. It's ok though, you'll buy another. What else are you going to spend your money on? A box of black hair dye? Some furry boots? Maybe you should go buy some manners.
You and your neighbor to the west have basically ruined the state of Pennsylvania for me. All you have going for you is Hershey Park and maybe the Flyers. We'll see about that though.
How did all of you get here, anyway?
Amanda.
P.S. To the few exception to the Philadelphia, and alright, Pittsburgh rule, I am so sorry that you are constantly brought to shame by these hoodlums. I know you aren't all like this. I don't really hate your cities or your teams, and obv I don't hate you. While it's rare that I would route for Pittsburgh (don't want to be thrown out of the D clan just yet), unless the Nationals are playing them, I generally route for the Phillies. And 95% of the time I will route for the Flyers (unless they're playing the capitals). I pretty much always route for the E-A-G-L-E-S because I love my husband and value my marriage. I will just think twice before going to a game versus a Philadelphia team, especially here in my home town.
