april 17, 2009

In spending quite a bit of time alone recently I have found myself becoming very introspective. That, and confiding in my dog on a more eerily regular basis. Some things I have learned about myself this semester:

I find it very difficult to be a spectator in any given situation. I can't keep my mouth shut and it is nearly impossible for me to mind my own business. For some reason, I feel as though everyone should want to hear what I've got to say and if they don't, odds are they're going to hear it anyway.

I thought I was type-A until I started grad school. I realize now that I am no where near as type-A as I once thought. What I have learned is that I am a perfectionist in a sense that is quite different than being Type-A. I somehow have gotten to a point of believing that anything less than the best is failure. I've got a double standard, though because, that same rule does not apply to my friends and peers. I admire them for their efforts and hard work, even when things don't go the way that they intended. I do not know where this insecurity came from or when I started thinking this way. I worry about how I will feel after finals this semester when I haven't gotten a 4.0 this semester. I got an 87 on a midterm and I worry that I won't get an A in that class.

I fear I have very little faith. This is something I am really trying to work on. When things don't go my way or even when there is just a minor hiccup in my perfectly constructed plan, I feel a sense of impended doom and despair. I spend far too much time worrying that things are going to go wrong or not according to plan to realize that often, these little surprises make life all the more interesting and worthwhile. I have always been a believer, I have always had faith in the Lord and in His presence in my life, but recently I have found myself worrying too much about things beyond my immediate control. The pastor at the church I have started attending at home spends a lot of time preaching about surrendering your fears to God and putting your problems in His hands and having faith that He will take care of things. Praying for God's work in your life is worthless if you don't fully surrender fears to Him. To continue worrying is to lack faith that God will lift you up and get you through life's tribulations. I worry too much, but I pray that God will help me to surrender my problems to Him fully and to be at peace with myself.


I think that should suffice as a healthy dose of introspection. Too much more and I will probably be up all night thinking about it. That's all for now.