Body Image/Shmody Shmimage...

Ugh.

Just, UGH.

This post will be long winded and probably full of nonsense you don't care to read.  Feel free to stop here.  I also think that this post will basically be just like preaching to the choir (I hope), so if you choose to keep on-a-readin' please humor me in this brief rant.

As a twenty-something woman, I have experienced the ups and downs of weightloss and body image.  Hormones, life stressors, and life celebrations have hurled me into this horrendous world of weight gain followed by weight loss followed by weight gain again, followed by....?  If life is hectic I am either too stressed and busy to eat and drop pounds or I am an emotional eater seeking comfort in my favorite foods and adding inches to my waistline.  If life is a wonderful, joyful celebration I am either kicking butt at the gym to get in-shape for said celebrations or living 100% in the moment and indudging in all of the festive food and drinks the fun has to offer.  These are more characteristics of myself that I am becoming increasingly aware off.  The common theme: moderation is not always my strong suit. 

I recently ordered a few dresses from Victoria's Secret and Blue Door Boutique for the upcoming showers and engagement parties I have the pleasure of attending this spring.  I ordered 2 dresses- one empire waist, one shift.  Both looked to be pretty forgiving in their fit and appropriate for the winter-spring transition and beyond.  Both super cute.  Both in a size medium. 

I am 5'7.  I think I am pretty average in my physique... but being a woman, it fluctuates frequently.   I do have a little more than your average boobage and bootay.  Most of the time, I am buying clothes to fit these 2 parts of my body in order to avoid looking like a hooker in public.  It isn't hard though.  This body isn't new to me and I've been dressing it for probably the last 20 years (more than that if you ask my mom).  I am pretty well able to tell what works and what doesn't (although clearly I sometimes make mistakes...).  Online shopping is NOT my friend due to my 2 special assets.  Despite my reservations about internet shopping, I somehow managed to make 2 fateful online purchases last weekend.

Both of them arrived today while I was at work.  Ironically, when I got home from a super fun dinner of wine, cheese, and bison-sliders (it's lean meat right?), I happily waltzed up to our apartment's concierge and proclaimed that I had not one, but TWO packages with my name on them.  I then rode 8 floors up the elevator with a big smile on my face, so excited for what was waiting for me in the cardboard and plastic wrapping.  I got home and declared to Tory that I simply MUST try on my new dresses immediately because if I need to return them, I would need to do it soon to get them back to Georgia by Blue Door's silly/rediculous 14-day return deadline. 

I tore into VS's cheap plastic packaging and pulled out my super fun new dress, folded into a tiny square in the bag.  I unfolded the jersey-knit masterpiece and stretched it out in front of me to behold before donning it in front of the bathroom mirror.  I easily pulled the soft fabric over my head, chest, butt.  Too easily.  The dress was HUGE.  So huge that I actually took it back off right away to check the tag to make sure I had the right size.  I put it back on and showed T who announced that I had purchased an over-sized nightgown that did not fit on any single part of my body, not even the 2 big ones.  "Well- it's jersey!"  I argued.  "It will shrink in the dryer and then you wont have to worry about laying it out to dry when you do the laundry."  Rediculous.  I so wanted this cutesy dress to fit me like a glove.  How stupid and desperate am I to think about what else I could possibly wash with it in the hottest cycle in the washing machine and highest heat in the dryer to make it moderately fit my "average" body.

Ugh.  But ok... If you have to have a fit problem with new clothing, it's generally better if the new clothing is far too large than too small right?  On to dress number 2.

A cute little silk shift with not as much give as the jersey fabric but certainly enough room in the fit to accomodate my special anatomical gifts right?  ...Sigh.... wrong. I pulled this little number over my head and immediately knew we were in trouble.  I got the dress on and it was actually pretty easy, just slightly awkard.   I stood in front of the mirror and immediately made a mental note that the girl in the online picture certainly did not have actual breasts because there is no WAY that this deep v-neck could have NOT looked pornographic if she did.  Also she clearly had no ass because this dress did not drape so effortlessly on my hips as it did hers.  I guess the only redeeming quality is that I do not have a massive gut because the dress was tight on top and bottom and bunchy and loose in the middle.  Epic fail numero dos.

So now I am confused.  How is it possible that in one store I need a size small and in the other I need a large?  I know that I am being rediculous and the truth of the matter is that a shift dress is probably not right for my body type and if I am going to be wearing silk it should be in a cut that is a little more flowy and generous.  I should pat myself on the back and give myself a little kudos that despite the fact I have gained some pounds and inches in the last year, a medium is sometimes still too big for me.  But what weighs on me more is that a medium is sometimes too small too.

I once saw a news story revealing that some clothing brands size their items based on women's vanity more than actual measurements.  Someone who is a size 6 in one store might find something similar that fits her in a size 2 in another.  The latter is obviously the vanity-appealing approach... and big shocker... the latter is the store that makes more in sales.  I feel like this is so deceitful and does nothing good for a woman's body image once she is on to the ruse.  It would be so much easier if I could walk into any store, pick a size off the rack, head to the fitting room and generally know what to expect.  I started this post claiming to be an average-sized woman and after over-analyzing the fit of 2 dresses that were probably sized by an evil, sadistic, money hungry, devilish, moron I now am confused as to whether I am a small person or a large one.  These sneaky marketing strategies might be boosting your bank accounts, fashion moguls, but they are doing nothing but confusing my self esteem and body image.  I would rather be solidly average and own it than be unclear as to whether you and your army of skin and bones designers think I am large or small...

Body Image defined by men and society. 

In other news, the walking workout is going well.  I have been motivated to complete my workouts everyday because I know that I can tackle them-both the cardio and strength portions.  Having said all of that, after the first day's soreness wore off, I haven't felt truly challenged by this workout plan.  So guess what I did yesterday?  I ran.  and It felt good.  It was by far not my best pace or distance but I did it and I haven't really done it since last October.  So the 2-week walking workout out has been effective for me, just not in the way I originally anticipated.  My goal now is to incorporate the walking workouts that I learned in the first week and a half of this plan into a more vigorous cardio and strength plan.  I think if I have a few decent cardio workouts that I know I can conquer into my regular workout routine, I will be a lot more likely to get through the rough workouts in the mean time. 

So, that's where I am today... somewhere between small and large, walking and running, confident and insecure.  In the midst of all, that I am going to try really hard to remember all of the other things I am... wife, sister, daughter, friend, and therapist.  These are the things I am good at and sure of in spite of everything else.  

YES!