It's been a while since my last sincere post. It's not to say I haven't tried- many a post has been drafted but found unsuitable for posting to the general public.
To say many things have changed recently would be the understatement of the century. Now that things are settling down a little- I am noticing my once-resilient, easy-going self is having remarkable trouble bouncing back. When friends ask me how I am doing my mind instantly jumps to "oh you know, getting by..." When this is the response I provide they offer the following, logical inquiry, "What's going on? Are you ok?" Again- my brain reaches for the knee-jerk response I keep on a shelf for ease-of access and I want to say "Well you know- the ailing family members, a new job, a new apartment, lots of big transitions- most of which were unplanned and unexpected...."
I am not sure when it occured to me but... these things are no longer valid excuses for why I am in this funky rut I can't seem to dig myself out of. Tory's Dad is working on his recovery- he is home and getting better everyday. If he can have a positive outlook on things, why can't I? My new job is really not-so-new anymore and to be quite honest I have managed to get myself in a productive, efficient routine that I am able to stick to (most days), I like my job a lot and I really can't explain why this comes to mind as a possible life-stressor these days. Oh... and the new apartment has been unpacked and lived-in since the end of July.
So what's my problem? How did I end up living this self-fulfilling prophesy where the events of LITERALLY 3-5 months ago are still wearing on me and significantly impacting my daily life? How have I managed to victimize myself for this long without noticing it until now? How annoying have I been to people who have dared ask how I have been doing in recent months. I really really hope that I am not that girl... you know the one I mean.
So it's time to reclaim control over my own life in a positive way. I am going to start by fully investing myself in my running/fitness/nutrition routine. I am running in the Army 10 miler in 18 days (thats 2.5 weeks) and have half-heartedly been training so far. I have been doing some of the weekday workouts, when I have the time and energy and managing to somehow finish the long weekend runs, abliet painfully and significantly slower than I am willing to openly admit.
But truth be told- most days, I feel my best when I am running. Even when I am running with Tory- it's just ME and THE ROAD. There is no question, no doubt when my legs are pumping and my heart is starting to pound in my chest that I am moving forward, getting somewhere. The burning in my lungs is a painfully beautiful reminder that I am breathing and full of life and capable of feeling hurt and exhaustion and determination to keep on keeping on. My mind's ability to overcome my body's limitations are demonstrations that with spirit, confidence, faith, and determination anything can be accomplished. There is a clear and concrete goal laid out before me- and the person I risk disappointing the most is myself. Nothing is more freeing than knowing you are accountable to you and only you. The single risk of disappointing myself and failing to live up to my own expectations, means I've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Every run makes me stronger, faster, and more capable of going even further next time. Running gives me stamina and endurance for the long-hauls. And nothing is more affirmng than a solid finish. My body's transformations are physical proofs of the effects of hard work, determination, resolve and these extrinsic transformations mirror the intrinsic ones I am seeking. Running is exactly what I need right now. When I am running I feel like I am moving in the right direction.
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