Joy is something I have not taken the time to experience much of recently (refer to previous post for details re: the pity party I have been throwing myself recently). Truth be told, somehow joy has become something I have found myself struggling to feel in its purest form for the last few years. It's not to say that I haven't wanted to revel in the joyful, simple, wonderful things in life. Somewhere along the way things seem to have become "too complicated" and the joy was clouded by many things that aren't even worth mentioning anymore. They are things far less important and far less gratifying than the joy I was missing out on.
Of course, I have experienced so much happiness in recent years. I have spent my days with good friends and loved ones and accomplished many goals I set for myself. I have a handful of wonderful women and men in my life that I call my friends. I have been loved by and been a part of 2 wonderful, supporting, giving families. I have been given the opportunity to commit myself eternally to the person that I have loved since I was 16 years old. There have been so many good days and good experiences that have made me happy.
But I have not always made me happy. In my most introspective days lately, it has occured to me that for as long as I can remember, I have relied too heavily upon extrinsic rewards of this world to make me happy: a new pair of shoes, a salary, an A on a final exam. I have determined my self- worth based upon these things and the approval and opinions of others. It has often even seemed that it is the people who matter least that have the most power to influence my feelings of affirmation. I have become too worried about the way I am percieved in the eyes of others to realize that everything about me is predetermined, I was created this way for a reason and a purpose. My life has a mission that no one on this earth has the power to determine or change. It is my own responsibility and only I have the power to open my eyes, heart, and spirit to the opportunities laid out before me and do the very best to tackle the tasks given, taking full advantage of my own skills and abilities, and praying and having faith that the Lord will offer me the resolve and determination to execute my life the way He has determined.
I have always had trouble fully surrendering my worries, fears, and insecurities. As a result, I have allowed them to take over my life and, at times, steal the joy that exists in living just the way I was intended to. I have made the resolution many times in my life to take opportunities to acknowledge the positive things in the world around me. These efforts have usually been flighty- lasting a few months before life gets complicated and just gets in the way. But there are simple joys in living every day, even the hard days, the bad days, the sick days, and the rainy days. Do the happiest, most fulfilled individuals acknowledge and revel in these joys everyday? Is that the secret?
Today joy is the change of the seasons, a snoring puppy on the floor next to me, a refrigerator full of good food and Spaten Oktoberfest, planning weekend get-a-ways, and a light enough caseload to allow for a healthy dose of introspection.
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